Photo by dcJohn

One big difference I’m noticing in myself lately is that I’ve stopped apologising for existing. It’s like growing into who I really am. I speak my mind more. I’m making different choices to those I might have made six months ago. Instead of waiting for things to happen, or playing “I’ll be happy when…” I’m making things happen, and I’m choosing to be happy now.

The key thing I believe helped me change, start living more authentically, is writing morning pages every single day. Seven hundred and fifty words, the equivalent of three pages, every day, just writing whatever comes into my head without thinking too much. First thoughts. Wild writing. Okay, some days they’ve been evening pages, but they got done.

I started this back in February, and it’s made a huge difference. I’ve done it in the past, but not nearly as consistently, or as long. I haven’t missed a day. Morning pages are amazing. They’ve helped me find a clarity and level of honesty I don’t think I would have found any other way. Most of what I’ve blogged lately comes from there.

There’s no right or wrong way to do morning pages. Typed on a computer. Handwritten in a pretty book. Scrawled on loo paper even.

There’s no right or wrong thing to write about either. It’s whatever is in my head. Sometimes that’s a rant about something frustrating me. Sometimes it’s a big To-do list. Sometimes it’s problem solving, exploring alternatives. Sometimes it’s a scene for a story, just popping up out of nowhere. Sometimes it’s a messy mix of all of this.

I use either my laptop or PDA. I could handwrite faster than I type, but I like being able to read it back, cut and paste bits elsewhere. Loo paper wouldn’t work for me, impossible to read back! And the pretty book would just plain intimidate me and make me feel I had to write pretty thoughts, too. It would stop things being so raw.

My morning pages are definitely not pretty.

What they are is consistent, at least 750 words long, and written every day, as soon as I can after I wake up.

The last few days are full of crossing out. I’m trying to remind myself just how much in my life is my choice. Every time I write “have to”, “must”, or “need”, I’m striking it through. Not deleting it, the word I chose initially is the word I chose, so that’s how I felt when I wrote it. Next to it though, I’m writing “choose to” or “want” instead. Just to remind me.

What’s important is not to judge what I write, just let it be what it.

I’ve written a lot of drivel today. All about buying and selling and wanting a load of ”stuff”.  But it’s just as real and valid as the deep emotional stuff. This is my concern now. This is what is in my mind. There’s no right or wrong topic for morning pages. No “You can write about this but don’t you dare write about that.”

 So one day I write about growing up at last and letting go of resentment, and connect with a hidden part of myself. The next day I’ll use all the words up pondering if I can give myself permission to shell out for a Kindle and how I’ll come up with the money. All equally honest. All equally real.

I hope so anyway!