At last the writing shed is being used as I designed it to be used- writing! I had a lovely afternoon yesterday beginning  edits of Believe in Me, my Christmas novella. It’s a wonderful space to write in, though I do admit to getting a bit twitchy after dark. Onder of those slightly creepy windy nights, and the cherry tree has a branch that rubs on the shed roof. If my husband had been home I don’t think I’d be so jittery, but he’d gone out.

Anyway, I’m so pleased and happy, using the shed to create in.

I’ve sorted out a lot of my sewing and crafting stuff too. I’m moving it all out of the house and into boxes in the shed. I think I’ll be able to fit everything in. I want to keep the shed looking uncluttered, so everything needs to have a place in the boxes on the shelves. That way, I will only have my current project on view and will be less likely to get distracted. That’s the theory anyway. I’m easily distracted! My brain has finally switched back on after menopause, and is whizzing in so many different creative directions.

So glad I am through menopause now.  I’m feeling like I have my brain back at last, though I’m still more forgetful than I was. Names and words for things in particular. I hated the feeling my head was full of wet cotton wool!

I do think I complicated my transition with a lot of resentment at not having a child, not wanting to let go of possible fertility. Then I got to the stage where I just wanted it over with. I had a couple of false stops, where I went many months without menstruating, then my cycle restarted.Every period was an annoyance and a reminder, tying me back to a phase I wanted to let go of. Once they really did stop and not come back, I felt more like I could mourn and let go of the wasted opportunities of that stage of my life. I do still very much regret not being able to have a child, but it’s time for me to move past that now and see what else I can do with my life.

I’m quite happy to develop into an interesting crone now, with cats and a garden and my creating shed. I really want to get into art too, not just writing. I always had this thing I couldn’t do “art”. Part comparing myself to a very talented younger sister, part internalised parental perfectionism, and the biggest part primary and high school teachers who insisted on very prescriptive art tasks with ridiculous rules for what a painting or drawing should be.

So much of that teaching stifles creativity rather than developing it!

I want to give myself permission to make a mess and get things wrong. In writing and in other forms of creativity. I want to start keeping a sketchbook. I bought a better digital camera cheaply on eBay (still a point and click, but it has a zoom and a macro and takes pretty good photos) and I’m taking photos of anything I see that interests me. I’m trying to develop seeing things differently. I want to mess around with restyling clothes from the fifty p rack at my favourite charity shop,  especially doing things with texture and pattern for surface decoration.

I love Alisa Burke’s work, because her stuff is so wild and free and she doesn’t wait for “permission” to be an artist. She has an inspiring post here on being an artist.Age doesn’t matter. Having a Day Job and not being able to create full-time doesn’t matter. Life after fifty can be fun and interesting and more creative than when I was younger and all my energy got tied up in the longing for a child. Now, I’m free to focus on creating. On writing and sdewing and painting and drawing and however else I want to express my Muse.

I go back to part-time work next week. Not the two days I want, but three days a week  is at least a step in the right direction.  Getting the shed finished now is perfect timing.