Photo by oktavianim
So, I quit the Day Job.
I gave them four months notice, so I’m still acting professionally and not leaving anyone in the merde. I’ll save as much as I can in that time for an extra financial cushion. I have a story all planned out, ready to start writing, a novella I want to get written and published fast in the hope of having a trickle of money coming in before I leave.
Now of course the fear kicks in, the fear I won’t be able to write it as well as I envision the story. And of course, I won’t. Nowhere near it in first draft, but it will get closer to the story I see with each successive draft, until I know it’s close enough and ready to send out to the world.
I still feel the terror though. Of not being good enough. Of being found out to be a fraud, I write so much about writing, yet I can’t write. Of truly finishing something and putting it out there to be judged and criticised. Of failing at this grand big plan to have it all, damaging one dream (the house in Australia, the reson for my savings) for the sake of another (being a full-time writer).
That’s the risk I take. I did a process of thinking what my “brand” will be as a writer. Basically, what my stories will be about. What the consistent themes are readers can expect from my books. This wasn’t actually for me as Autumn, this was for another pseudonym I’ll be using for my hotter stories. It’s all about my heroines growing their confidence. Owning their power. Overcoming the fears and limitations that have run their lives.
I realise, these are the themes of ALL my stories, possibly all good stories by any writer. In the erotica written under the pseudonym, it will be an extraordinary sexual encounter that catalyses her change. In my stories as Autumn, it will be the demands of the developing relationship. To have the relationship, she needs to change what holds her back.
Yet all these things are what I need to do too. I’m still letting fear and limitation run my life.
I don’t think I’ll be having any unusual sexual experiences, or a new relationship. But I still need to change. I need to find that strength in myself. I need to find the courage to overcome my fears. I need to stop giving away my power, and use it like a battle axe to slash through the wall of limitations I’ve surrounded myself with.
Making chance is big and scary and risky. Last week I had the high of making the decision and acting on it. This week, I have the crash, the dealing with the consequences.
I still know I’ve made the right decision. I need to take this chance now. Playing it safe in the Day Job was keeping me small, giving me excuses to not be all I could be. It’s time to go for it, but pay the price. The price is needing to face this fear. Needing to face the insecurity. Needing to face that it might all go wrong, spectacularly crash-and-burn wrong or quiet whimpering wrong.
Also, needing to face that it might all go right. Fear of success is just as big an issue as fear of failure. The only truly safe thing is to never try. Or to say I’m trying, but procrastinate. Waste time. Write about writing instead of actually writing. Sub stuff far too early as a safety mechanism.
It’s time to stop all that. Time to stop playing it safe. Time to take the risk and do the work. Time to stop being a wannabe and a couldabeen. I’ve “tried” to work at my writing. But Yoda was right. there is no try. Only do, or do not. It’s time to do. The fear will always be there. It never goes away, according to my multi-publisher author friends.
But we can still do it anyway. No lucky charms needed. Just enough courage to get started and keep going.