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Those backstory infodump blues strike again

So it’s two months later and I STILL haven’t finished the partial for my SuperRomance Memorial Day story.

I’m up to chapter seven, but I keep going back to work on the partial, which now must be the longest partial in the history of Romance!

I felt it needed an extra scene showing Kate finding out that everyone knows about the engagement story, so I added that. To make things more complicated and slow the pacing down, it’s a flashback because I had timing problems!

Then a critiquer mentioned that it would be good to actually show the moment Kate first tells the lie, makes up the story that she’s engaged to Jack. So I added that, a new scene of nearly three thousand words to start the stroy, slotting in before the one I entered for the Challenge.

Now I had a bloated nightmare of a first chapter that was eight thousand words long! Infodump central told in dialogue.

Time for some serious editing. I chopped over a thousand words from that opening sequence alone. Almost everything that was backstory, cut. From beinga  slow plodding read that answered too many questions too soon, I have what hopefully reads a lot faster, and raises the reader’s interest instead of killing it.

Now I need to go back over the whole partial, and cut as much as I can.

I have a new scene to add, too, a dramatic event that gives more motivation for why the hero agrees to the fake engagement. I need to make room for that, by cutting out some of the dreck, the obvious backstory, the infodumps, the repetitions. I think I can skim another three or four thousand words off, and the story will be better for it – stronger, faster, punchier.

I just read these exercises in Noah Lukeman’s The First Five Pages, about what he calls “informative dialogue”

Take a section of dialogue and rewrite it, this time assuming the reader already knows everything he needs to know about the story. What would the characters say to each other?

Take the same section of problematic dialogue, and this time assume the characters already know everything they need to know about each other and everything they need to know about what’s happened, what’s happening, and what will happen. What would their new dialogue be like?

Now, I don’t think I can go as far as the last one, as the characters haven’t seen each other for over three months, and a lot has happened in that time, but it would be interesting to see how the partial would read if I tried it! They have whole scenes that are nothing but dialogue that seems to go on and on.

Taking out the thousand words of backstory dumped in dialogue didn’t make the opening scene much less understandable for the reader I tested it out on. She had a couple of queries that can be fixed by one or two added sentences.

I’m hoping I can do the same thing with the other scenes. Wish me luck as I venture into the infodump jungle, machete in hand!


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Analysing what works

Okay, so I went back and started to re-read Nikki Logan’s wonderful Mills and Boon Romance, “Their Newborn Gift.”

This time as a writer, not a reader, to see how she did it, and did it so well! Not to copy Nikki, but to get more insight into what makes a good story work, so hopefully I can infuse those same elements into my own writing.

Three pages of notes later, I finished chapter one! Analysing the entire book will take some time! It’s well worth it though as I got some excellent insights.

So here are my notes on the fourteen pages of chapter one-

• Opens with Lea and Molly in car, playing I spy. Shown it’s been a long drive and hints of their characters- they’ve been playing for three hours.
• Emotional tug immediately- they are playing a game and laughing, but Molly’s illness is evident, though we are not told what is wrong with her. Her illness, Lea’s concern for her daughter, and her courage in facing her illness are sketched in a few words- “As if every kid coughed when she laughed.”
• Very little exposition as they arrive at their destination- place described through the filter of Lea’s feelings- “The homestead seemed to grow towards them like something from a nightmare. Large, expensive, and looming.”
• Key theme stated- “A house like that had to have a family in it.” The story to me is about family, and Lea and Reilly overcoming their wounds from their families of origin to be able to make their own family. A strong, universal theme.
• Insight into her state of mind, sentence above, continues “More obstacles. More people to judge her.” So here, two pages in, is one of her core emotional issues, feeling judged, an outsider, unlovable.
• Her visceral reactions- “Lea swallowed hard.”  “Her fingers started to tremble on the steering wheel”, “Lea held her breath.”
• Single sentence drips of backstory- like when she sees Reilly- “Last time she’d seen him he’d been sprawled naked across the motel bed…”
• Shift in POV to hero in middle of page three. Distinct change of voice.
• Use of imagery to fit the character– “hoof to the belly”, a memory burned into his brain like his brand into his horses’ flesh
• Two pages of internal monologue and his observation of her actions give key backstory, description of Lea, some of his history. Doesn’t feel like infodump because his thoughts are mixed in with the present action
• His key emotional issue of low self-worth given straight away in his internal monologue and memories of their previous encounter- “she’d been a painful reminder of what he was really worth.” Excellent showing not telling here!
• Visceral reaction to her- “heart hammered against his moleskin shirt”, “swallowing carefully past a dry tongue”
• Shown she is special- “he’d never in his life been so ensnared by a woman..” “She’d been worth it.”
• Then mostly dialogue for two pages. No more than three lines from each character. No more than two sentences of dialogue tags or reactions between speech. Lots of white space on the page.
• Molly appears again six pages in. “Somewhere deep in his gut a vortex opened up. He knew those eyes. His pulse began to hammer…” One page of his reaction in internal monologue, interspersed with action (going inside, getting a glass of water).
• Hints of problems- tests, “possibilities he’d though lost to him forever”
• Physical reaction- “He kept his heart rate under control by pouring two glasses of ice cold water in the kitchen, and then he shakily tossed one back himself before steeling himself to return.”
• More intense dialogue, again fast pace, lots of white space.
• His emotional response to Lea shown – “he wanted the truth from her almost as much as he wanted to smell her.”
• More physical reaction- “his chest constricted, bright light exploding behind his eyes”
• Two pages of angry conversation shows their feelings for each other, especially that Reilly felt a connection to Lea and was angry when she ran out on him, their key issues, more backstory. Again, mostly dialogue, minimal internalising, lots of white space to keep it pacy. Need to get more of that anger, the digs and flashes at each other, the hints of how they feel for each other, into Lock and Cady’s interaction in Chapter One
• Even Reilly’s observations of her use horse terms- “Her nostrils flared and she tossed her thick hair back.”
• Then Reilly brings the focus back onto Molly. His daughter. And why Lea is here.
• Reilly’s key issue again- he thinks Lea is after his money, that was the only reason she slept with him. Maybe Lock can feel Cady used him to get rid of her inconvenient virginity before she moved on to who she really wanted to be with. Need to convey that sense of being used, that no-one would love him for himself, because Lock’s core issue is similar to Reilly’s, though the reason is very different.
• Tenth page- Lea tells him the real reason she’s there. Molly is dying and she wants him to get her pregnant again. Highest possible stakes- to save the life of a child. I’ve been wondering if Cady’s stakes are not high enough. Lock’s kidney will improve Josh’s quality of life hugely now his home dialysis isn’t working so well but it isn’t as dramatic. He’s not going to die without the kidney transplant, just face a future spent half in hospital, with needles which he’s terrified of, messed up schooling, reduced growth, anaemia…  Okay, maybe the stakes are high enough, but maybe I need to spell them out more too. Also, my pace is too slow. I take two chapters to get through what Nikki does in one!
• Reilly’s hunger to be loved shown- “When had anyone looked at him like that? Ever?”
• Page 11- switch back to Lea’s POV as she observes Reilly’s physical reaction
• Emotion-  her observation of his emotion shows how she feels about him.
• A page of explaining the medical stuff, in dialogue. Doesn’t feel at all infodumpy! Lea has a clear, strongly motivated goal. 
• Conflict/upping the emotional tension- he tells her she’s trying to blackmail him
• Paragraph of Lea’s backstory in internal monologue- why she slept with Reilly before. Need to make sure I show this with Lock and Cady. The old feelings for each other, the reasons they slept together, to hints of the old feelings still there but overlaid with all the anger and resentment at what happened since. My handling of this feels quite clumsy in comparison
• More of Lea’s key emotional issues- her bad relationship with her father, her shame at using him, at acting out of character, her guilt, her feeling that maybe her actions made Molly sick, that she’s being punished in some way. I knew all along that Cady feels that guilt as well, blames herself for Josh’s illness. That was the first major similarity that struck me when I started reading Nikki’s story, besides the biggie,  secret-baby-now-sick-so-the-secret-is-revealed basic scenario
• Her plan fails- Reilly tells her he can’t help her. Her reaction shown in dialogue and her physical reactions- gripping his shirt front, clenching icy fingers. Minimal internalising, makes it even more powerful because there’s absolutely NO “telling”. Chapter ends on that sense of crushing defeat, made  worse by her memories of the man she though he was  being betrayed.
• I’m feeling this is all one scene, yet it can’t be. Maybe when Reilly retreats into the kitchen after first seeing Molly that’s a very brief sequel before he goes back out to them again. Or is it? In fact I think we might see the sequel when POV switches. For example, first words after the switch back to Lea’s POV are “Lea had never seen someone shrink like that right before her eyes.” That to my mind is Reilly’s sequel, being shown in Lea’s POV, not told in an internal monologue from Reilly. That’s how I do it, but this is so much better!
• Skilled use of POV change- POV switches twice in the chapter. Either switching in the middle of scenes, or seeing the sequel through the other characters POV, I think! I didn’t know that could be done that way, but it works! Switches are necessary so the character with most at stake has POV. Initially, it’s Lea with most at stake, overcoming her shame and need for independence to approach Reilly. Then Reilly has most at stake, as he realises Molly is his child. Then the switch back to Lea’s POV as she asks the all important question- will he father another child to save Molly? Each character has POV when the events are most significant for them as individuals. Also, if Reilly had POV when she asks the question, the tension around whether he will agree and why he says no would be gone immediately. Okay, I think maybe I have the POV wrong for Lock and Cady. Or only part right. Maybe it would be more powerful to switch to his POV sooner when she reveals they have a child, then back to hers when she asks her question. Hmm. Needs some thought. May be worth trying that scene again with the POV switched to see what works better.
• Wish I could see Nikki’s first draft!

I also wish I had a battered old paper copy (even then, something in me cringes at the idea of vandalising a book!), or even better a Word file of the chapter, so I could use the highlighter way of looking at a story that Shirley Jump recommends. I can’t find any way of marking up the epub file I’m reading the story in.

Anyway, Shirley recommends using different colours, one for dialogue, one for action, one for exposition, one for internal monologue, to see what the balance is. I’m planning on doing Margie Lawson’s Deep Edits course in May, which uses a highlighter system and goes even deeper. I think this would be especially helpful on those pages in Nikki’s that look at first glance like they could be a big slab of internal monologue, but actually aren’t, because she’s sprinkled in a significant amount of present action too, as Reilly observes Lea. This keeps it pacy, keeps it easy to read, keeps the reader turning those pages. Sadly, I’m almost certain in my story it is just a big lump of undiluted internal monologue!

The place where the highlighter method wouldn’t work on Nikki’s stories are those places that do double or even triple duty. The description that also gives an insight into how the POV character is feeling for example. I’m thinking how I can make more use of that in my story, and a couple of places come to mind immediately.

 So I gained a huge amount from taking the time to look deeper at Nikki’s story yesterday before I dive into another round of chapter one edits today. I won a critique of the first five pages from a SuperRomance author, so I want them to be gleaming shiny bright, the best I can get them, before I send them off.

I can highly recommend giving this a go! See what you get out of analysing what works in a story you love that’s similar to yours. The only element I need to include in mine, as it’s aimed at SuperRomance, is a little more of a sense of community, though not at the expense of introducing the main characters, their goals, and their conflict, which I think I have.

Does anyone else who’s read Nikki’s story have anything to add that I missed?


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Those Chapter One Infodump Blues

Well, I finished the first draft of Cady and Lock’s rewritten chapter one.  It’s not bad. It’s not good either!

The voice and pacing is off. What should be a dramatic opening scene is draggy and slooooooow.

My CPs straight away told me why.

I’ve done my usual thing- too much information. The infodump-in-internal monologue thing. Maybe not quite as bad as it could be- nowhere does it go on for more than a paragraph, and a fairly short one at that. It’s just that there’s a lot of those paragraphs. That’s what’s slowing the pace down. It’s also affecting the voice. The character isn’t there in the present moment when she’s thinking of the past half the time.

I need to go through the draft and use that handy dandy highlighter button in Word. Anything the reader doesn’t need to know right that minute can be marked for cutting.

Okay, these guys have a lot of history. But the reader probably doesn’t need to know it all at once. And some things can be taken as a given. It’s a secret baby story, so chances are good the reader can figure out for themselves Cady and Lock had sex at least once in the past!

I just read a first chapter of a new story from one of my my CPs,  Maisey Yates. It’s easy to see why she is pubbed and I’m not yet. Her chapter zings and sizzles. It gives the same amount of information, just does it differently. It’s dripped in through dialogue, in actions, in snippets of sentences of introspection, not whole paragraphs. Things are hinted at but not fully explained. The difference is obvious! (BTW, the post I link to at Maisey’s site gives a good example of changing character dramatically, with just some tiny tweaks – it’s good!)

I’m also feeling like my heroine isn’t clearly defined enough. We start in her POV, and though her goal is clear and definite I don’t think her character is coming over so well. One difficult issue is her feelings are so confused. She still loves the hero and there’s still that tug of physical attraction, though she’s also angry and resentful over how things ended between them. She’s guilty that she kept their child a secret from him for so long, but believes she did the right thing at the time, the thing that was in everyone’s best interest. She never wants to see him again. but she has to, because she wants something from him, something that will make all the difference for her son. This is what I have to get across in that first chapter, not the details of their history, that can come out later.

 By taking her out of her head and into her emotions, adding in more visceral, gut deep physical reactions, Cady will be far more present on the page. That’s a twofer- stronger characterisation, better pacing, less infodump.

Okay, I think I know how to strengthen this chapter! On to mark it up.

I probably won’t make any changes today, just mark what needs to be changed. Then I can get started on Chapter Two- Lock’s POV. Yum! My feeling is that the partial will hang together better if I wait until I’ve first drafted the three chapters, then edit them up all at once.

Yesterday also gave me a couple of new ideas for later in the story, especially about how the community can play a stronger role. One thing in particular will be a lot of fun. I can see now why Blake Snyder calls that section about a third of the way into the story, early in Act Two, ”Fun and Games”. I didn’t really get it before, but now I see which pieces go there. This is where the subplots are developed, this is where the promise of the story comes out. In this story, it’s the heroine and her son becoming part of the community, and start to become part of a family with Lock, as well as first steps in healing her damaged relationship with her mother. (See the Blake Snyder beatsheet adapted for romance for more explanation of this.)

I love it when all those disconnected puzzle pieces start falling into place!

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